Oprah Winfrey virus

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

Joey Buttafuoco virus

Only attacks minor files

Titanic virus (also known as a strain of the Lewinsky virus*)

Makes your whole computer go down

Martha Stewart virus

Takes all of your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

Mike Tyson virus

Quits after one byte

Prozac virus

Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Sharon Stone virus

Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there

Lorena Bobbit virus

Turns your hard disk into a 3.5-inch floppy

Tim Allen virus

Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact

Woody Allen virus

Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Saddam Hussein virus

Won't let you into any of your programs

Tonya Harding virus

Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons

George Michaels virus

Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup

Monica Lewinsky virus

Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone on your distribution list about it.

X-Files virus

All your icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus

Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus

Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Dr. Kevorkian virus

Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus

Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere

Disney virus

Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Ellen Degeneres virus

Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Ellen Degeneres virus (v.2)*

Disks can no longer be inserted into your PC.

AT&T virus

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus

Every three minutes it reminds you how much you are paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwazenegger virus*

Terminates and stays resident; it'll be baaaaack

The following were forwarded to me by: Akash Mahbubani on Sep. 10, 1998

Gallup Virus

Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (Plus or minus a 3.5 margin of error)

Paul Revere virus

This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--once if by LAN, twice if by C:

Politically Correct virus

Never calls itself a 'virus' but instead refers to itself as an 'electronic micro-organism

Michael Jackson virus

Hard to identify because it is constantly altering it's appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

Right to life virus

Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a councilor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus

Activates every componet of your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Mario Cuomo Virus

It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Government Economist virus

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat virus

Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Dan Quayle Virus

Their is sumthing rong with yor compuetyer,ewe just can't figyour out watt.

Dan Quayle virus v.2

Prevents your system from spawning any child processes with out joining into a binary network.

George Bush Virus (Japanese strain)

Eats some of your files, then immediatly regergitiates them.

George Bush Virus (v.2)

It starts by boldly stating 'read my text...no new files' on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, and then blames it on the congress virus.

Congressional virus

Computer locks up screens split vertically with a message on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

The following were forwarded to me by: Peggy Kauffman on March 25, 1999

BRAND NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES TO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR

Congressional virus #2

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Hillary Rodham Clinton virus

Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Bill Clinton virus*

Produces a 7-inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

Ollie North virus

Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

Jane Fonda virus

Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

O.J. virus

It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Federal Beaurocrat virus

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Airline virus

You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

Freudian virus

Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard, or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

PBS virus

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa virus

Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD virus

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

Viagra virus

Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.