My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."   My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.   The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two more girlfriends. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it. The thief was spending much less than his wife did. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has. You wish you had ordered that. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late. A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine." A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire," she replied. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, " Dad! I've found a woman just like mother" His father replied, "So what do you want, sympathy?" Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ... BAM!, it was all gone" "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out!" Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law will get double. The man thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead." Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get your laundry done free. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive

Received From: Randall Boyle, 15 March 2005

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