From: "lucia tyson" 
Date sent: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 23:38:43 -0600

Funny Thoughts
"Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised how many re-enlist."
-James Garner

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From: "Dana Crow" (edited by instructor to improve format)
Date sent: Wed, 20 Feb 2002 17:51:20 cst

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected
by schools from all over the country: 

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. 
   Please execute him. 

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.  

3) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 

4) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't
   know what size she wears. 

5) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday
   paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

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From: "Jackie Spiegle" 
Date sent: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 22:35:25 -0600 (CST)

I could not think of any sort of serious post to make so I thought I
would humor everyone with a Joke.
 
An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the
"accidents" that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" 

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

Turning to  look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast
as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing.
Somehow, he ran even faster, so  scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again
and the bear was even closer. His heart was  pounding and he tried to run faster.
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear
was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its  right paw to
strike him. 

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...." 

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. 

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my
existence for all  these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit
creation to a cosmic accident. Do you  expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?" 

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be
a Christian  after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" 

"Very well" said the voice. 

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed ... and then the
bear dropped  his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and
spoke: "Lord, for this food which  I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
 
Jackie

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From: "Damon A. Hunter" 
Date sent: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 11:38:32 -0600 (CST)

Once, an engineer was accidentally sent to hell. The engineer installed
running water, air conditioning, and a fax in Satan's office. Gradually
hell became an agreeable place. When God heard of this, he was furious. He
went to Satan, and demanded the engineer at once. Satan refused.
God said, "If you don't give me the engineer, I shall take you to court".
Satan didn't seem worried. He said, "You can't do that."
"And why not ?..." God asked.
"Where do you think you are going to get a lawyer from?" says the devil.

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From: "Mike Anderson" 
Date sent: Mon, 18 Feb 2002 09:40:29 cst

Welcome to me.

"Not long ago, I was hired as a linesman.  When the league hired me, they gave
me a bag of marbles.  Then they told me that when I lost all my marbles, I could
be a referee." - Unknown

Mike Anderson
Voice of the Chargers 2001-200?
andersms@email.uah.edu
http://webpages.uah.edu/~andersms

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From: "Amy" 
Date sent: Sat, 23 Feb 2002 21:44:54 cst

Phrases for you to use in a job interview - or to interpret when
interviewing!

Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.

Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.

Phrase: I take pride in my work.
Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes.

Phrase: I'm personable.
Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Phrase: I am very adaptable.
Meaning: I've changed jobs a lot.

Phrase: I am on the go.
Meaning: I'm never at my desk.

Phrase: I'm highly motivated to succeed.
Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

Source:  CleanLaugh jokes email group

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From: stiffs@email.uah.edu
Date: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 00:11:52 cst

Intense Grief 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed 
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was 
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. 

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept 
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? 
Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to 
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of 
pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn 
so deeply? A child? A parent?" 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."  

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From: "Tara" 
Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 14:13:33 cst

This will definitely teach you not to hold things inside. 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece
of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am". The next morning the man woke up, only
to discover it was 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was
about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed... It said:

It is 5:00am, wake up.

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From: "Anna Harvilla" (edited by instructor to improve format)
Date: Sat, 23 Feb 2002 20:36:01 cst

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's
   probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual 
   where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more 
   human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved 
   from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what
    you want it to do. 

This bit of trivia is from www.fullofjokes.com.

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From: "Andrea Black" 
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 21:59:13 -0600

PC Three Little Pigs

Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in 
harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the 
area they each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of straw, one 
a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay and creeper vines shaped 
into bricks and baked in a small kiln. When they were finished, the pigs 
were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and 
self-determination.

But their idyll was soon shattered. One day, along came a big, bad wolf with 
expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical 
and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house 
of straw.

The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, 
little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending 
their homes and culture."

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. 
So he huffed and puffed and blew down thehouse of straw. The frightened pigs 
ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the house 
had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, 
"Little, pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Go to you know where, you carnivorous, imperialistic 
oppressor!"

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The 
pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where 
the house of sticks had stood, other wolves built a time-share condo resort 
complex for vacationing wolves, with each unit a fibreglass reconstruction 
of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkelling and 
dolphin shows.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, 
'Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!' This time in response, the pigs sang 
songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations. By 
now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation 
from the carnivore's point of view. So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and 
puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive heart 
attack brought on from eating too many fatty foods.

The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little 
dance around the corpse of the wolf. Their next step was to liberate their 
homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced 
off their lands. This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort complex 
with machine-guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf 
oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to 
meddle in their internal affairs.

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, 
universal health care and affordable housing for everyone. {My note: Well it 
is a fairy tale after all.}

Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical construct. No actual 
wolves were harmed in the writing of the story. (from www.jokes.com)

Andrea Black

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From: David Bradley Burns 
Date sent: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 21:59:13 -0600

Subject: MIS110: posting

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some
money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo
keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to
the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died
suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He
offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get
another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage
before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than
he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he
tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are
paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to
lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage,
crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of
course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for
being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime
keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion
he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that
he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the
lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back
looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you
want to get us both fired?"

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From: "Brett Anderson" 
Date: Mon, 25 Feb 2002 06:54:35 cst
Subject: MIS110: Rocket Car

This will hopefully be amusing if you go out and do what I tell you to do.  Go
to www.bored.com. It's a web site with a bunch of weird things to do and read
to pass the time.  Scroll down about a 1/4 of the page until you see the hyperlink
to the Legend of the Rocket Car.  When you have about 20 - 30 minutes free,
read that story.  It's incredible.  Really funny, and just a great story altogether.
 I can't give the link to that specific page because even when I am on the rocket
car page, it just says bored.com.  Anyway, when you get some free time, go there
and read it.  It's a good story.
Brett Anderson

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Date: Fri, 22 Feb 2002 11:12:29 -0800 (PST)
From: Cynthia Lagewaard 

Hello Everyone,

I don't know if you saw it, but Mr. Whitten had on his
bulletin board an advertisement for summer employment
with the ACE program out on the Arsenal.  If anyone
has any questions about the program, I might be of
help.  I have worked as an ACE intern for the last
year.  I love the program.

Cynthia Lagewaard

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From: Crystal Burke (edited by instructor to correct format)
Subject: MIS110: Women
Date: Sat, 23 Feb 2002 11:57:35 -0600

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. 
Ten were men and one woman. They all decided that one person should get off
because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. 
 
No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a real touching
speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because 
women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving
in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished
speaking, all the men clapped. 

Never underestimate the power of a Woman 

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From: "Elizabeth Dubberley" 
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 21:40:10 cst

"The Lost Dr. Suess Poem"
I Love My Job

I love my job. 
I love the pay.
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest!

I love my office and its location. 
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day.
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers. I love their leers and jeers and sneers.
I love my computer and its software. 
I hug it often though it wont care.
I love each program and every file. 
I'd love them more if they worked once 
in awhile.

I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the firm. I am.
I love this work. I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.
I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me 
away!!!!!
 
http://www.cutestuf.com/funpages/suess.html

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From: "Randall S. Mann" (edited by instructor to correct format and grammar)
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 01:15:05 cst

A farmer is driving down the road and spots a sign that reads "Mule For Sale"
so he decides to at least look at the mule to see if it is of good quality.

He talks to the owner, who tells him that the mule is the fastest mule alive
and that it is very different from other mules. The owner explains to the farmer
that the mule will only proceed to walk when the phrase, "Praise the LORD"
is spoken, and the more you say it, the faster he will go. To stop the mule,
the owner explains you must say, "Hallelujah." 

The farmer decides to ride the mule to see if the owner is telling the truth.
He gets on the mule and screams out "Praise the LORD" and the mule takes off,
the farmer then yells, "Hallelujah" to which the mule stops.

The farmer, seeing that he is a pretty good distance from the owner, decides
to see just how fast the mule will go. So he yells out, "Praise the LORD" and
the mule takes off. He then repeats the phrase over and over until he is really
moving it along. The farmer looks up and sees he is coming up on a very high
cliff that drops off to a deep canyon below, and decides he had better stop
the mule.

Much to his dismay, he realized he had forgotten what the word was to stop the
mule. Hoping to hit the right word, he starts rambling and spouting out words:
     "AMEN!" ... "GLORY!" ... "SWEET JESUS!" ... "AMAZING GRACE!” 
He sees he's getting closer and closer to the cliff when right at the edge of
the cliff he yells, "HALLELUJAH!!!"

The mule stops dead in his tracks. The farmer, out of breath and shaking from 
fright, wipes the sweat from his brow looks up to heaven and says, "Whew! 
Praise the LORD!"

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From: Emmaleigh114@aol.com
Date: Sun, 24 Feb 2002 21:41:21 EST

I thought this list was very appropriate for MIS110.  Enjoy...
Emily Olive   

You Know You're Addicted to the Net When    

1) All of your friends have @ in their names 

2) You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem 

3) Your spouse makes a new rule... Computers don't come to bed. 

4) You laugh at people with 56K modems. 

5) You start tilting your head to smile :-) 

6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box 

7) You find yourself typing com after every period 

8) You start introducing your self as 'Jon@internet.com'    
    
    courtesy of JOKES.COM

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From: SAMALI183@aol.com (edited by instructor to correct format and grammar)
                        (identified by instructor as Sami Ali)
Date sent: Tue, 19 Feb 2002 19:44:46 EST

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.  

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly 
jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom & stayed there. Mary promptly 
jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the 
medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her 
to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally
stable. 

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad
news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've
regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's
dead."   

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

Written by Shamar Magby

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Date sent: Wed, 27 Feb 2002 14:21:04 -0800 (PST)
From: Mary Beth Key

You Have An Internet Addiction When...

You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a
faster connection to the net

Your night dreams are in HTML.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty
feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading,

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot
net dot au.

Source: http://www.randomlaughs.com/rnd09.shtml

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