For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
   She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
7. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might get them dirty?
8. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
9. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
10. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
11. How is it possible to have a civil war?
12. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
13. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
14. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
15. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot ‘em?